frustrations with (extended) family time

[Andrea Nakayama]

How is it that I've been speaking to my mother-in-law (who suffers extreme arthritis and has a family history of Alzheimers) for 8 years about the way she eats, finally got her to stop drinking diet soda by giving her several articles on the dangers of aspertame, and still find low-fat yogurt in her fridge that is loaded with HFCS, non-fat milk proteins, sugar, fructose, and . . . aspertame?!

Why does she have two containers of Crisco (new) in her cupboard and still ask me which supplements will help with the pain from her arthritis?

Why is she offering my son sparkly pink fruit beverages with sugar when she knows we don't eat sugar (and he, in his eight years, never has)?

Why is my own dad still buying farmed Atlantic Salmon when I've spoken about the nutritional and ecological dangers?

I live in a (Portland) bubble where, even though my friends and community may not be as overly conscious as I about their food choices, they are still aware and considerate on this level. So when I travel to see my family I still find it jarring, surprising. Does anyone else confront similar issues and have you found a way not to take it personally? Taking it personally (as though they are somehow not listening to me) seems to be my pitfall. I'm aware, but not skilled in overcoming the shock.

When working with clients I can make the separation. But family matters differently.

All suggestions welcome!

Andrea

[jodi f.]

Andrea, I feel your pain--and frustration. My mother-in-law is the same way. And she's a foodie! She subscribes to Gourmet and Saveur magazines and watches cooking shows on television constantly. She talks endlessly about the importance of eating vegetables. She decries pharmaceutical ads on television and the over medicating of the population. What does she eat? Corn-fed commercial beef, white bread, Best Foods mayo, potato chips, and miniscule amounts of vegetables. She consumes large quantities of hard alcohol; in fact her nightcap each night is some kind of cocktail and a 3 Musketeers bar. She opens her organizer with her $300/month-worth of medications and boasts about her good health! She's 76 years old and can barely walk from the couch to the kitchen. She has arthritis, osteoporosis, a cracked disc that won't heal, high blood pressure. She just last week tripped on a small acorn and hurt her knee and now wants to know if there's a pill she can take to help her balance. My husband has been talking to her about exercise for over 2 decades, and I've been talking about nutrition with her for at least 10 of those years. She's obviously not going to change and, no surprise here, her daughter, though much younger, is just the same.

I used to take all this personally, but I just can't anymore. My mother-in-law is in pain--physically, emotionally, spiritually (so's my sister-in-law). Eating healthfully is a much higher order of eating and of caring for ourselves, and people who are in survival mode, who are eating to care for their first or second chakras, aren't going to just wake up to their higher selves because we want them to. This is definitely NOT about you because you're knocking on doors that aren't ready to open. But keep knocking if you have the energy. I like to think of all of us as sowing seeds that may not sprout immediately, but being hardy, they can wait for the improvements in the environment that may one day allow them to take hold and blossom.

I totally agree with you, though, family is just so different. I am much more sensitive to their actions and seeming judgments and find it so hard sometimes to take that important step back and observe what is, rather than have my knee-jerk reactions to how I think I've been ignored or misunderstood. Now, with my mother-in-law (who's pretty easy going), I always bring lots of food, and at gatherings where there are meals, we share some foods and I make others she won't touch. Oh well. We don't have children, though, so our situation is much simpler than yours.

[ErinL]

Andrea,
I think those of us who are very aware that our choices affect our health all share similar struggles with our family members. When I go to visit my sister (I have told her I have food sensitivities and can't eat wheat, dairy or corn) she insists on cooking and often serves me dinners such as lasagna. "Oh, there's not that much dairy in it and the pasta is white pasta so it doesn't contain wheat." What? This is my extremely well-educated lawyer sister!

Anyway, there is a book that may help, if you're a reader. It's helped me immensely with my clients also. It's called Healing Myths, Healing Magic by Donald Epstein. It examines the deeply ingrained stories or myths we commonly hold about how our bodies heal - myths that can actually inhibit healing. So it asks us to question the myths that prevent us from healing, and I find that when I investigate the myths or beliefs underneath my client's/family's actions, I may come to understand them better. I may also be able to help them change their "story" to help empower them to heal themselves.

It's been my experience that many people can't imagine that something in their food will hurt them (otherwise why would it taste so good? or I haven't heard of anyone dying of chocolate!) and often people feel that only doctors have the power to heal them.
I recommend this book because it helps us to understand that others' actions are motivated by the stories they've lived and the stories they tell themselves. Often because of the times they've lived in, they weren't supported to take responsibility or power for their own body/health and this is a very new concept to them.

[Andrea Nakayama]

Thank you both for your insightful comments. I've purchased Healing Myths, Healing Magic. I think this is just the thing I need to contextualize the experiences I'm having.

with gratitude,
Andrea

[MistyH]

Oh Andrea, I feel your pain! 
Here's what I'm dealing with......
My mother in law's viscoral fat is probably a tumor.....(per her self diagnosis)
My father at 65 insists the purple pill helps his over abundance of acid.......
My sister who smokes and drinks never misses her bp or statin and diuretic....it's clockwork.....coffee, cigarette and 5 pills for breakfast.......2 of these being flax oil because of chronic constipation....(her friend told her about the flax caplets)
My other sister suffers CFS, Fibro, and a host of other problems but ingests all refined foods and aspartame......
My brother has 2 adopted children with major allergies that are ignored......
To top it off, I'm giving a 12 week lecture in my community and family is invited for free but no response......

I have learned that we can only live by example and when one requests help that's when I offer......I've taken it personally and realize I can't.